Fatigue & Anxiety!

One of the many things I found hard was the overwhelming fatigue.  Very early on I met a lady who was a little younger than me and she said she found the fatigue was one of the worst things and now I know what she meant!

Partly due to the brutal treatment and partly due to all the time I spent laid in a hospital bed my body became extremely weak!  I would get out of breath really easily and start to panic, this lead to awful anxiety!  If I had to go anywhere I would have to work out if there would be places I could sit and rest if I needed to and make sure there would be a toilet nearby because of the colitis.  My anxiety got so out of control my consultant gave me medication to help control it. It was so crippling at times that I couldn't get off the settee to do anything incase my body let me down.  Even when I was sitting down my legs would shake uncontrollably!

I had to go up the stairs on my hands and knees and when I came down my husband would walk in front of me as I was so weak there was a danger I would fall!  I still get tired really easily and my legs don't have much strength in them, I'm scared to exercise but need to build up my muscle tone. I used to run and cycle so being weak is pretty depressing.

I remember sitting at home crying as I watched people walk past my house going about their day to day lives feeling so sorry for myself!  I had taken so much for granted in life but suddenly my freedom and independence had gone!  I just wanted to be able to do those boring normal things like pop to the shop or to a friends house!  Totally reliant on other people for the first time in my life, I'm usually the one in control, I had to let go and trust those around me.

You lose total confidence in your body and what its capable of as even the simplest things become impossible.  My mum made me go for a short walk once and I was a nervous wreak the whole time!  And just when I started to feel a little stronger I would be back in hospital for more chemotherapy weakening me yet again, like some kind of awful merry go round!  I had to be incredibly strong willed and keep pushing myself once I'd finished my treatment.  The trouble was that my mind was still fine and wanted my body to do things it just couldn't handle, every now and then I would break, get angry and cry!

A friend kindly lent me a wheelchair which meant I could get out a bit when I was between treatments, my daughter thought it was great fun pushing me in it!