The Creation of 'Multiple Me'

As more time passes I fear I've become a very complex person with many different sides and I don't really know how to make any sense of who I am anymore.  Writing about it seems like a good place to start and will give me something to look back on in the future.   I seem to flit around like a butterfly, once I've settled on some sort of equilibrium along comes a gust of wind causing me to fly off on a tangent!  I can remain unsettled for days and sometimes I am so lost with conflicting thoughts and feelings its hard to do normal day to day things.

It's dawned on me that I've created several different personalities to fit my new life, the main one being my 'I'm back to normal' one.  I haven't done this knowingly but it's become second nature to me.  I like to refer to it as 'Multiple Me', a way of defining my new mixed up personality.

Struggling to see who I am

While hospitalised I developed the 'I'm strong and can cope with all of this personality' which came into play from the moment I was told I had Leukaemia, I never really cried or let myself feel the fear I should have felt.  But thinking about it this side of me was part of me before cancer, I was always good in a crisis. There was also a very detached personality and when I look back at the many frightening and painful things that happened while I was having treatment it was obviously a way of dealing with it all.  These 'strong' and 'detached' personalities lead those around me to call me brave, it wasn't brave, it was just a coping mechanism.  Sometimes I couldn't stand the way people looked at me so this detached side kicked in stopping me from caring.  Maybe it was a natural reaction, the power of the mind to enable me to get through the awful treatment.  Now these two have taken a bit of a back seat until it comes to my 8 weekly remission check.

Because my diagnosis was literally overnight with chemotherapy starting within 24 hours and I was extremely close to losing my life so for me there is a lot to process (you can read more about here; Setting the Scene...the road to where I am now). I read and hear a lot about the 'New Normal' and this is something I can really relate to and I am still trying to pin mine down.   At this point I have no idea who I am, who I am meant to be or how I am meant to act.  

I have this very positive upbeat side where I laugh and joke about many things including my illness, I've always had a naughty side and that hasn't changed.  There is nothing better then laughing out loud and seeing the funny side of things at the most inappropriate times.  I love a comedy that illustrates the funny side of normal life as well as the stupidity and slapstick of TV shows dreamt up by the likes of Keith Lemon.  In fact it was one of Keith Lemon's shows that had me in tears of laughter for the first time since my diagnosis when watching TV at home between chemo cycles! My husband was so happy to see me laugh again, it had literally been weeks since I'd so much as smiled.  

When I am talking about my experience in my role as a Bloodwise Ambassador to a room full of people I have my public speaker face.  I am very driven to raise awareness and happy to talk openly about what happened, I really admire other people who have done the same and find it really rewarding.  When I am speaking at an event I detach myself and tell my story as if it's someone else's, something I never knew I was capable of.

I find myself switching between these personalities several times a day so it's no wonder I am emotionally exhausted most of the time.  I have become very good at hiding behind my smile, at keep my tears at bay, at acting...I deserve an OSCAR so please don't hesitate with the nominations!

It can be very hard at times knowing which one is the real me...I'm not sure anymore, maybe I am all of them and maybe that is ok.  I guess only time will tell.  Am I the vulnerable, anxious shell of a person or the warrior who won't be brought down by anything?  Am I the person grateful to be alive, totally in love with life and living it a breakneck speed or am I the angry, shell of a person, confused, struggling with fatigue and fighting to get back in control?  I HAVE NO IDEA...

When I look back at this blog it will be interesting to see how or if anything changes.

Actually I have been 'Hit by a Bus' #Leukaemia

As many cancer fighters, survivors and people fighting other life threatening illnesses will know some comments, phrases or misguided efforts at making you feel better actually have the opposite effect.  Some now aren't really applicable anymore, this is yet another 'after effect' of cancer...finding phrases and sayings either really resonate, make you want to scream or laugh at the irony.

One of these comments is the popular 'any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow' ... While I really appreciate that this is meant in the most supportive and compassionate way it actually doesn't help and often leaves me feeling more alone. Before I wrote this I did speak to my fellow cancer friends about it to get a feel for whether or not I was being oversensitive.  You see its actually not applicable to us now as we have been hit by that proverbial bus!  There are other comments that are also unhelpful but I will write about them in a different post.

Someone used this phrase the other day and as I watched her walk away all I can think was...'don't you see I have been hit by that bus...don't you get it...it's alright for you because you are walking around thinking it will never happen to you...like I used to too.  You have no idea that what you just said makes me want to scream 'It's not applicable to me anymore...can't you see I have been hit!'

Whenever you cross a road do you not look and make your own decision on whether or not it is safe to cross?  Did I make the choice to develop cancer?  When you are going about your daily lives you a certain amount of control over your own safety...when crossing a road, standing at a bus stop or driving your car.  You can take extra care, look twice or avoid trouble spots.  I was in London the other day with friends and when it came to crossing a road funnily enough a bus came speeding along so we stepped back and I actually put my hand on my friends arm to make sure she was out of harms way...it's a natural instinct.

But when it comes to the 'cancer bus' no amount of being careful or a friends hand on my arm would have changed a thing.  I had no control over what my own body did to me, how it turned against me, my own bone marrow.  BONE MARROW FAILURE, yes 90% of it was not functioning and without healthy blood cells your body fails, yours organs fail...life fails.  Not only that but these dangerous cancer cells were dispersed around my body via my bloodstream, normally a vital but, potentially spreading the cancer all over my body, using each and every vein to infect you.

Also this 'bus' is likely to come and hit me again...how many times have you heard of someone being hit by a bus twice?  I live in fear of being hit again and am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for its impact.

When offering words of comfort to someone whose been diagnosed by cancer perhaps think carefully before saying 'Of course any of us could be hit by a bus at any time.'  Don't try to generalise it, to make it sound like it doesn't matter, it was inevitable anyway and that being so makes it ok that you've been hit by a life threatening, life changing disease.

So where did this phrase come from anyway?? Here's what I found out;

A generic rather than literal example of misfortune, verbal shorthand to indicate that none of us know our future, that a catastrophe is merely an involuntary act of fate.  Casually used to refer to an unexpected death, illness, debilitating injury yet without making it seem grim.

According to Wikipedia it was first used in the novel 'The Secret Agent' by Joseph Conrad; "But just try to understand that it was a pure accident; as much as if he had been run over by a bus while crossing the street."

This term is also used a lot in business management meaning that there must always be a contingency plan in case someone in the team is taken ill, leaves, etc unexpectedly.  And the definition from the newly popular Urban Dictionary is 'Used instead of the word Stupid' For example; 'OMG this mobile is so getting hit by a bus.' when said mobile isn't working properly.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this...love Butterfly