The Double Edged Sword Analogy - By A Cancer Survivor

MY VERY OWN DOUBLE EDGED SWORD - HOW LUCKY I AM?

I wrote this quote a while ago to sum up my feelings as a blood cancer survivor.

Writing has been a great therapy for me relieving bottled up stress by putting my thoughts down on to 'paper' and out of my over active mind.  Both rewarding and cathartic and the realisation of a childhood dream.  This post explains what is behind it.

When I planned this I'd found myself using the phrase 'Double Edged Sword' a lot when describing my life since being diagnosed with Acute Leukaemia.  Much as it was and still is a devastating diagnosis there are many positive things that have come into my life now. 

I've been asked many times how my life has changed since and I've always tried to put together an answer that would sum it up but actually for me its hard to define.  The following may help you understand my thoughts;

Here are the negatives;

• Long terms effects of chemotherapy 
• Fear of secondary cancer due to intense chemo
• Loss of my job
• Loss of confidence in my body and health
• Issues with my balance leading to embarrassing moments
• Extreme fatigue & muscle waste
• Sleep disturbance
• Cognitive brain problems
• Relationship changes
• My changed image, hair loss
• PTSD and GAD
• Financial impact
• My daughter's emotions
• Friendship changes

But then all of the wonderful positives;

• New friendships
• Renewing old, lost friendships
• Inner strength and pride that I never had before
• Clarity on my life and what it really means to me
• Perspective, its a relief to understand what is truly important
• Guilt free happiness
• Volunteering as a Charity Ambassador and fundraising 
• Finding out how rewarding helping others is when I hear the impact my support has had on their life
• The confidence to write...a childhood dream of mine
• Touching gestures of kindness and generosity that I will cherish forever
• Educating myself and achieving new goals
• Inspiring others and being inspired

I was chatting to a fellow AML survivor recently and as we were sharing our experiences she proceeded to tell me that overall she is happier with her life now, since her diagnosis.  Even though she is constantly living with the fear of relapse overall her life is better.  Hearing this was great because finally there was someone else with similar thoughts to me. It's not something I've really admitted to many people because it's a strange conclusion to come to after something so life changing. But it seems that after being given a second chance at life everything has become much clearer to me which is a wonderful feeling, something I'd struggled to see before. At times I would have this fear that my life would pass by before I'd figured it all out, what my legacy should be.  Now I know what I want to do, need to do and I've achieved so much in the past 18 months. 

I looked up the definition of this Idiom;

• Collins English Dictionary - Something has negative effects as well as positive effects.
• Oxford Dictionary - A situation or course of action having both positive and negative effects.

This is why I often say 'Double Edged Sword'

Words & Life Quotes to Inspire ... #amwriting

I have always loved reading quotes and often go to them when I am feeling a little low and in need of inspiration.  Here are some written by me...I find it extremely therapeutic and my go to stress buster.

Mine are written from my life experiences and being a Leukaemia survivor, Mum, wife, friend and obsessive with a varied career background there is quite a lot for me to draw from...enjoy

Hope you have enjoyed these and at least felt a little inspired or less alone...please leave a comment as I would love to hear from you...Butterfly

A Fusion of a Fighter and Survivor

Am I survivor or a fighter... or am I both?

So this is something I have given a lot of thought to and since writing this post I've realised that, after everything I've been through, I am a 'Fusion of a Fighter and Survivor'.

In the cancer community some class themselves as survivors and some as fighters so this is something I have been contemplating lately.  When I started to break down my thoughts and feelings after writing a bio for a social media platform I found myself relating to both.  This may seem trivial but an interesting subject to explore.  Once I started to develop this post I actually found that it is not as black and white as I'd thought.  Especially before I was diagnosed, I just assumed you were one or the other...I believe this subject is applicable to anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis or suffered any other traumatic life changing event.

Firstly I looked up the dictionary definition both words;

Survivor - a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship or setbacks. 

Fighter -  a person who has determination, and courage, a person who fights for example cancer or is a boxer.

I can certainly relate to both...

My Experience

So yes I'm in remission and I have survived the brutal chemotherapy which in itself can be life threatening so I am a survivor, right?

While my body was fighting the Leukaemia my mind wasn't contemplating the enormity of it all. Mentally I was purely focused on getting through each seemingly unending and grim day. I've since come to the conclusion that my mind was protecting me from the devastating reality of my disease, not something I did intentionally but it meant that I tolerated all of the setbacks and alarming moments along the way.  It's only since finishing treatment that everything has taken its toll.  The mind is a very complex thing and survival instinct is something you don't even know you have until you are thrown into a life or death situation. At this point I was a fighter, fighting to live, a very basic thing.  I hadn't yet reached the point where I could class myself as a survivor, not until my treatment had finished at least.

Once my treatment had finished I very much felt like a survivor and with that came a feeling of euphoria, strength and pride, part of a 'club' I was more than happy to be a member of. I very much felt that my fight was over and that my life would be like it used to be however, as more time has passed it's dawned on me that I am still fighting...emotionally, physically and psychologically.  Even if I was cured I'd still be fighting the after effects of the whole devastating experience.  I really had no idea I would feel like this back when I was first home from the hospital.

There are periods of time when I am fairly at peace with my new life, feeling empowered because of what I have achieved then suddenly something will spark off a flash back and from that a downward spiral of negative thoughts flood in so I have to fight back to acceptance again.  That acceptance being that I even had cancer in the first place, that cancer belongs to me now, that it did happen to me and that cancer will forever be part of me.

It is certainly a battle trying to get across that you are still very much recovering when on the outside you look ok.  Often I feel like I don't belong anymore, when conversations leave me feeling totally alone, misunderstood or when friends chat about the future and all I can think is 'I don't even know if I will be here in 5 years time'.  These are friends I still have so much in common with apart from this great big black cloud that follows me around so I am regularly fighting to keep my emotions under control.

Yet the survivor part of me means I am driven to do what I can, help in any way I can which has lead to becoming an Ambassador for the blood cancer charity Bloodwise.  My husband and I have done lots of fundraising and supported others going through the cancer journey.  I no longer doubt my worth or what my life should be about and that is a wonderful feeling.

Am I  a Survivor of Fighter?

So it seems that I am in a cycle of surviving and fighting...perhaps all survivors are fighters in one way or another?  And even though you have survived something you still have to fight to move on from it.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this...please leave a comment below...ButterflyinRemission

Actually I have been 'Hit by a Bus' #Leukaemia

As many cancer fighters, survivors and people fighting other life threatening illnesses will know some comments, phrases or misguided efforts at making you feel better actually have the opposite effect.  Some now aren't really applicable anymore, this is yet another 'after effect' of cancer...finding phrases and sayings either really resonate, make you want to scream or laugh at the irony.

One of these comments is the popular 'any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow' ... While I really appreciate that this is meant in the most supportive and compassionate way it actually doesn't help and often leaves me feeling more alone. Before I wrote this I did speak to my fellow cancer friends about it to get a feel for whether or not I was being oversensitive.  You see its actually not applicable to us now as we have been hit by that proverbial bus!  There are other comments that are also unhelpful but I will write about them in a different post.

Someone used this phrase the other day and as I watched her walk away all I can think was...'don't you see I have been hit by that bus...don't you get it...it's alright for you because you are walking around thinking it will never happen to you...like I used to too.  You have no idea that what you just said makes me want to scream 'It's not applicable to me anymore...can't you see I have been hit!'

Whenever you cross a road do you not look and make your own decision on whether or not it is safe to cross?  Did I make the choice to develop cancer?  When you are going about your daily lives you a certain amount of control over your own safety...when crossing a road, standing at a bus stop or driving your car.  You can take extra care, look twice or avoid trouble spots.  I was in London the other day with friends and when it came to crossing a road funnily enough a bus came speeding along so we stepped back and I actually put my hand on my friends arm to make sure she was out of harms way...it's a natural instinct.

But when it comes to the 'cancer bus' no amount of being careful or a friends hand on my arm would have changed a thing.  I had no control over what my own body did to me, how it turned against me, my own bone marrow.  BONE MARROW FAILURE, yes 90% of it was not functioning and without healthy blood cells your body fails, yours organs fail...life fails.  Not only that but these dangerous cancer cells were dispersed around my body via my bloodstream, normally a vital but, potentially spreading the cancer all over my body, using each and every vein to infect you.

Also this 'bus' is likely to come and hit me again...how many times have you heard of someone being hit by a bus twice?  I live in fear of being hit again and am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for its impact.

When offering words of comfort to someone whose been diagnosed by cancer perhaps think carefully before saying 'Of course any of us could be hit by a bus at any time.'  Don't try to generalise it, to make it sound like it doesn't matter, it was inevitable anyway and that being so makes it ok that you've been hit by a life threatening, life changing disease.

So where did this phrase come from anyway?? Here's what I found out;

A generic rather than literal example of misfortune, verbal shorthand to indicate that none of us know our future, that a catastrophe is merely an involuntary act of fate.  Casually used to refer to an unexpected death, illness, debilitating injury yet without making it seem grim.

According to Wikipedia it was first used in the novel 'The Secret Agent' by Joseph Conrad; "But just try to understand that it was a pure accident; as much as if he had been run over by a bus while crossing the street."

This term is also used a lot in business management meaning that there must always be a contingency plan in case someone in the team is taken ill, leaves, etc unexpectedly.  And the definition from the newly popular Urban Dictionary is 'Used instead of the word Stupid' For example; 'OMG this mobile is so getting hit by a bus.' when said mobile isn't working properly.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this...love Butterfly