The Double Edged Sword Analogy - By A Cancer Survivor

MY VERY OWN DOUBLE EDGED SWORD - HOW LUCKY I AM?

I wrote this quote a while ago to sum up my feelings as a blood cancer survivor.

Writing has been a great therapy for me relieving bottled up stress by putting my thoughts down on to 'paper' and out of my over active mind.  Both rewarding and cathartic and the realisation of a childhood dream.  This post explains what is behind it.

When I planned this I'd found myself using the phrase 'Double Edged Sword' a lot when describing my life since being diagnosed with Acute Leukaemia.  Much as it was and still is a devastating diagnosis there are many positive things that have come into my life now. 

I've been asked many times how my life has changed since and I've always tried to put together an answer that would sum it up but actually for me its hard to define.  The following may help you understand my thoughts;

Here are the negatives;

• Long terms effects of chemotherapy 
• Fear of secondary cancer due to intense chemo
• Loss of my job
• Loss of confidence in my body and health
• Issues with my balance leading to embarrassing moments
• Extreme fatigue & muscle waste
• Sleep disturbance
• Cognitive brain problems
• Relationship changes
• My changed image, hair loss
• PTSD and GAD
• Financial impact
• My daughter's emotions
• Friendship changes

But then all of the wonderful positives;

• New friendships
• Renewing old, lost friendships
• Inner strength and pride that I never had before
• Clarity on my life and what it really means to me
• Perspective, its a relief to understand what is truly important
• Guilt free happiness
• Volunteering as a Charity Ambassador and fundraising 
• Finding out how rewarding helping others is when I hear the impact my support has had on their life
• The confidence to write...a childhood dream of mine
• Touching gestures of kindness and generosity that I will cherish forever
• Educating myself and achieving new goals
• Inspiring others and being inspired

I was chatting to a fellow AML survivor recently and as we were sharing our experiences she proceeded to tell me that overall she is happier with her life now, since her diagnosis.  Even though she is constantly living with the fear of relapse overall her life is better.  Hearing this was great because finally there was someone else with similar thoughts to me. It's not something I've really admitted to many people because it's a strange conclusion to come to after something so life changing. But it seems that after being given a second chance at life everything has become much clearer to me which is a wonderful feeling, something I'd struggled to see before. At times I would have this fear that my life would pass by before I'd figured it all out, what my legacy should be.  Now I know what I want to do, need to do and I've achieved so much in the past 18 months. 

I looked up the definition of this Idiom;

• Collins English Dictionary - Something has negative effects as well as positive effects.
• Oxford Dictionary - A situation or course of action having both positive and negative effects.

This is why I often say 'Double Edged Sword'

Words & Life Quotes to Inspire ... #amwriting

I have always loved reading quotes and often go to them when I am feeling a little low and in need of inspiration.  Here are some written by me...I find it extremely therapeutic and my go to stress buster.

Mine are written from my life experiences and being a Leukaemia survivor, Mum, wife, friend and obsessive with a varied career background there is quite a lot for me to draw from...enjoy

Hope you have enjoyed these and at least felt a little inspired or less alone...please leave a comment as I would love to hear from you...Butterfly

A Fusion of a Fighter and Survivor

Am I survivor or a fighter... or am I both?

So this is something I have given a lot of thought to and since writing this post I've realised that, after everything I've been through, I am a 'Fusion of a Fighter and Survivor'.

In the cancer community some class themselves as survivors and some as fighters so this is something I have been contemplating lately.  When I started to break down my thoughts and feelings after writing a bio for a social media platform I found myself relating to both.  This may seem trivial but an interesting subject to explore.  Once I started to develop this post I actually found that it is not as black and white as I'd thought.  Especially before I was diagnosed, I just assumed you were one or the other...I believe this subject is applicable to anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis or suffered any other traumatic life changing event.

Firstly I looked up the dictionary definition both words;

Survivor - a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship or setbacks. 

Fighter -  a person who has determination, and courage, a person who fights for example cancer or is a boxer.

I can certainly relate to both...

My Experience

So yes I'm in remission and I have survived the brutal chemotherapy which in itself can be life threatening so I am a survivor, right?

While my body was fighting the Leukaemia my mind wasn't contemplating the enormity of it all. Mentally I was purely focused on getting through each seemingly unending and grim day. I've since come to the conclusion that my mind was protecting me from the devastating reality of my disease, not something I did intentionally but it meant that I tolerated all of the setbacks and alarming moments along the way.  It's only since finishing treatment that everything has taken its toll.  The mind is a very complex thing and survival instinct is something you don't even know you have until you are thrown into a life or death situation. At this point I was a fighter, fighting to live, a very basic thing.  I hadn't yet reached the point where I could class myself as a survivor, not until my treatment had finished at least.

Once my treatment had finished I very much felt like a survivor and with that came a feeling of euphoria, strength and pride, part of a 'club' I was more than happy to be a member of. I very much felt that my fight was over and that my life would be like it used to be however, as more time has passed it's dawned on me that I am still fighting...emotionally, physically and psychologically.  Even if I was cured I'd still be fighting the after effects of the whole devastating experience.  I really had no idea I would feel like this back when I was first home from the hospital.

There are periods of time when I am fairly at peace with my new life, feeling empowered because of what I have achieved then suddenly something will spark off a flash back and from that a downward spiral of negative thoughts flood in so I have to fight back to acceptance again.  That acceptance being that I even had cancer in the first place, that cancer belongs to me now, that it did happen to me and that cancer will forever be part of me.

It is certainly a battle trying to get across that you are still very much recovering when on the outside you look ok.  Often I feel like I don't belong anymore, when conversations leave me feeling totally alone, misunderstood or when friends chat about the future and all I can think is 'I don't even know if I will be here in 5 years time'.  These are friends I still have so much in common with apart from this great big black cloud that follows me around so I am regularly fighting to keep my emotions under control.

Yet the survivor part of me means I am driven to do what I can, help in any way I can which has lead to becoming an Ambassador for the blood cancer charity Bloodwise.  My husband and I have done lots of fundraising and supported others going through the cancer journey.  I no longer doubt my worth or what my life should be about and that is a wonderful feeling.

Am I  a Survivor of Fighter?

So it seems that I am in a cycle of surviving and fighting...perhaps all survivors are fighters in one way or another?  And even though you have survived something you still have to fight to move on from it.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this...please leave a comment below...ButterflyinRemission

Productive Escapism - A different Perspective on Spring Cleaning

While having yet another clear out I started to think about why I get such a buzz out of it and how beneficial it is in the long run.  

Mainly a bit of escapism from whatever stresses I have going on while being incredibly productive really boosting my mood.

Bear with me on this...at first you may think 'yeah in an ideal world' or 'if I ever had the time' but believe me I too am one of those busy working Mums who is out every night taking my daughter to dancing, tuition or doing my voluntary charity work, blogging as well as running my home. And I know there are always many more pressing things that are a priority however, there is a method to my madness!

Previously, I've only ever had a major sort out a couple of times a year because it has become so out of control that I keep putting it off.  My intentions this time is to get to a point where it is not a colossal undertaking because everything is organised well enough that I can put things in the right place from the start!  One of the key things is to have a place for everything then you don't stuff it in a drawer or cupboard with lots of other random things. 

The first thing I do is get myself a cuppa!

WHY IT IS WORTH IT

Most of us live extremely busy lives whether we have children or not, regardless of how many hours we work or our hobbies so during busy times I find myself shoving things in drawers, baskets, random places etc to sort out later, but that later never seems to come.  Then I find myself losing important things, I know they are in the house somewhere but they could be in one of several places. After wasting too much of my valuable time searching for something I promise myself I will once and for all get everything in order.  To date this is something I have never achieved and probably never will 100% but I'm going to have a very good try!  This whole process has taken me about three weeks

Some points to keep you motivated;

• It helps me to feel more in control and more optimistic about being less stressed going forward because I will have everything to hand pretty quickly.
• Finding things I've forgotten about (in the past when I've brought something and shoved it away in a rush I lose or forget about it) - a lovely feeling, like getting new stuff again!
• Finding items that have been lost; losing them has been driving me mad so I feel elated when I come across them
• Not feeling that everything is a mess, every corner, every cupboard, drawer, it may not be in view but I know it is there...taunting me, telling me it needs my attention.
• Feeling inspired as I come across articles I've pulled out, ideas I've jotted down, coming across things that trigger old memories, like a photo, card from my daughter when she was little, old notes, project ideas I've forgotten about, make up I haven't used for ages, etc.  
• It takes me away from my everyday stresses for a little while, a really good way of mentally detoxing or escaping temporarily.  This form of distraction is both productive and rewarding. Giving you a mental break from worrying which I find really helpful and calming.  Often this break then gives me a new perspective on problems I've been struggling to solve.
• Stress buster; if I am dealing with some of life's frustrations I find it helps me to clear those emotions out.

Here are some tips I'd like to pass on;

Be prepared for the mess!  There will be lots of mess as you need to make lots of different piles and spread things around before you start to make progress.  View this as a positive mess, a productive mess and remember why you are doing it.

The start of my mess!

• Be prepared; get some tubs, empty files, a plastic carrier bag (for putting recycling paper in to throw away) and some large A4/A3 envelopes (to put documents to shred in). 

MY TIP; Label boxes, folders, tins, etc so that you don't have 
to open every one to find out what is in them or find the one

you are looking for.

• Get the family on board; by this I mean let them know what you are planning and not to move anything or place anything on top of your piles...also to bear with the mess!
• The piles I usually make; general filing, to shred (goes into envelope), paper to throw (straight into carrier bag which I hang on chair nearby), scrapbook stuff, booklets/magazines to go through, receipts to file, for my household file (where I file bills, warranties, school info, insurance info, registrations, appliance serial no's and registrations, medical info, etc), not sure pile (to go through when I've finished), to check with my husband if he still wants/needs and whatever else is relevant for you.
• I can recommend the Ikea furniture range, Kallax - in a small house like ours I have found this range so versatile and you can fit a lot of different things in.  From papers, craft supplies and household filing to spare cables, beauty electronics and food.  We have these in my daughter's bedroom, on our landing and in our Kitchen Diner.

My Ikea unit, with baskets, deep storage bins, box files, etc

(still a work in progress)

Another of my Ikea units

• Quite often when I get in from shopping, tired and hungry I put (or if I am honest 'shove') what I've purchased somewhere, anywhere and then forget where.  So now I have a place, which is easy to get to where I will put them from now on.  Then I can go straight back to this place later. This idea stemmed from a recent experience with a Mother's Day gift, I'd put it somewhere out of the way then had to spend a stressful hour looking for it...well no more.

MY TIP; Think about the things you need to get to on a daily basis and put them in places close to hand then items you rarely use in harder to get to places.  I find that if something is hard to get to it is too temping not to bother and it will also be the same when putting things away when you are busy.  So make sure your place where you plan to put things that you regularly need to put away like your child's school homework in an 'easy to get to place'

• A 'Christmas Drawer'; I now have one of these (actually I borrowed this idea from my Mum) I put anything relating to Christmas in it.  For example, random things that I come across after I've packed my decorations away in the loft (there is always those odd decorations that have dropped behind something), presents I've purchased early, left over cards, labels and stickers so nearer the time I can check if I need to buy any more, craft bits so I can start them before I need to get all the decorations out of the loft.

MY TIP; Take photos of the decorations you have before you 
put them in your loft and then put the pics in your Christmas drawer so you don't forget what you have! This is something
 I do after several years of forgetting what I had, purchasing
 more new bits only to find I already have lots of lovely decorations!  I also photograph and the decorations when
 they are in situ at Christmas so I don't forget how I've used 
them and add these pics to my drawer too.  

• My 'Where to find it' list; 

• After spending hours in the past hunting for something that I don't use very often I have devised a 'where to find things sheet'.  Because I don't use a particular item very often I can't always remember where I've stored it.   I kept making the same mistake...wasting my valuable time searching for things.  It would be something like my camera tripod or seasonal items. Then I had a light bulb moment, (probably in the middle of the night) and the next day I created it.  The sheet goes in my 'Household file' which is easy to get to,  I even add things that seem insignificant because you never know.  I am pleased to report that my sheet has saved me time, no end of times now!!  

IN CONCLUSION

Doing this has given me real boost, I feel like it has been a cleansing and enriching experience.
I hope I have inspired you to give it a go and if I can do it...anyone can!!

Please leave your thoughts below!! Many thanks... ButterflyinRemission