Toe Tapping, Tears, Laughter & Nudity...a night at The Girls Musical

My family and I know first hand how unbelievably tough fighting Leukaemia is and as a Bloodwise Ambassador my husband, sister, brother in law and I were invited to a special showing of Tim Firth's and Gary Barlow's The Girls Musical at the Phoenix Theatre in London's West End.  Having heard lots of great things about the show I was more than pleased to go along.  It certainly didn't disappoint...it was hilarious, uplifting and an emotional roller coaster.

On arrival it was lovely to see the outside of the theatre adorned with Sunflowers which have now become the emblem for the Calendar Girls.  The original ladies are never seen without wearing one and it has been adopted by many including the army of Gary Barlow fans who were waiting outside the theatre.  For me and I'm sure others it now represents hope and light in what is often a dark time for people affected by blood cancer.   

The Phoenix Theatre all dressed up!

John Baker's words...

"The flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire. Every stage of their growth has its own beauty, but the last phase is the most glorious.  Wherever light is, no matter how weak, these flowers will find it and that's an admirable thing.  And such a life lesson." 

Which is why the Sunflower is now as much part of the Calendar Girls as the Calendar itself.

The Phoenix has quite a small auditorium and I wander if this added to the down to earth vibe of the show.  Being so seemingly close all the 'action' certainly made me feel like I was part of something special. Or was it purely that I felt an affinity to the story as a Leukaemia survivor who has met the Calendar Girls a couple of times?  Either way there's no denying the reaction of other audience members and the standing ovation at the end so I'm not alone in loving it!

Cast members with Gary Barlow and Tim Firth (source @thegirlsmusical)

Me with the Calendar Girls

Me chatting to The Calendar Girls at a Bloodwise event

We all know what sparked off this amazing story, a family man, happily going about his day to day business was given the devastating news that he had blood cancer.  John Baker was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma in 1998 and sadly passed away after just a few months treatment.

This story is not just about a group of women who sold lots of nude calendars.  What really comes across in the musical is a community coming together and women overcoming various personal challenges with the aim to help others in their darkest hour. I feel nothing but admiration not only for the original ladies but also the actresses who were naked on stage.  Lets face it none of us like to go to the local swimming pool in our swim costume, all our imperfections on display let alone on a very public Calendar or on a West End stage! I may have bravely endured the brutal treatment for Leukaemia but I think these ladies are very courageous.  

Accompanied by shrieks of laughter the clever choreography and positioning of props made the photo shoot scene simply hilarious.  It really felt like they were doing it for the first and only time as the original Calendar Girls did, not that they do this for every show! From the emotions conveyed by the cast I believed they were thoroughly enjoying every moment and they have a real empathy to the story. Perhaps this was due to their brilliant acting abilities and the language used by Tim Firth but still. The young actors were very impressive too and I'm sure I will be seeing a lot more of them in the future.

One of the nude photo shoots on stage (source @thegirlsmusical)

There were moments when I could really feel the pain of John's battle yet also his passion for life and wonderful sense of humour.  As I looked at those around me the tears were flowing but accompanied by smiles.  From what I have read about John it would have been exactly how he would have liked it, he wouldn't want anyone to be sad but you can't ignore the fact that tragically he lost his battle too young with so much life to live.

The writing of Tim Firth and music of Gary Barlow illustrate this story perfectly, summing up the emotional roller coaster that was the birth of the Calendar Girls.  As always Gary Barlow's lyrics really moved me, in fact his 'Rule The World' track was played over and over by my husband on his way home from visiting me in hospital where I spent 6 months. The lyrics, especially 'don't leave me now', 'don't fade away' and 'if you stay by my side we can rule the world' particularly resonating.

The show stayed with me for days and I cannot stress how much you would take away from this show if you went to see it.  A reminder of what is really important in life, friendship, support and in the darkest of times managing to find the light, no matter how dim and turning towards it.  I too have had so much overwhelming support from my community in many ways, but no naked calendar...yet!

The show, I am sure, will appeal to anyone affected by any type of cancer, or who has experienced something positive after a tough time.  John's family have always been involved and during the whole process the producers and writers have respected their story.  Another reason why this musical is so special, everyone has put their hearts into it and it really comes across when you watch it unfold.

When asked about The Girls Musical...
"The musical is absolutely fantastic and John would have been so proud.  As a family it helps us believe that he didn't die in vain, that he's been part of it and with us every step of the way.  John would have wanted to help other people who get this terrible disease." Angela Baker

I haven't watched the film since I was very suddenly diagnosed with an aggressive Leukaemia with only hours to live I had 90% bone marrow failure. Not wanting to unleash all the emotions I keep under tight control.  Often I think back to when it all originally started, the Calendar hitting the news, getting worldwide attention, the film. etc and I shiver at the thought that these incredible women, their families and friends would have a part in my future, yet at the time I had no idea what I would face.  Thanks to their fundraising for Bloodwise,  who've invested millions in life saving research there have been some major advances in blood cancer treatment and outcomes.  Words are not enough to express how much this means to me and my family.  

To read more about the original story please click here Bloodwise and The Calendar Girls  To find out more about Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma click here Bloodwise - Understanding Lymphoma

For tickets and information click here; http://www.thegirlsmusical.com/

I am currently writing a post about how it all began...A little Calendar Girls History!

The Calendar Girls with Dr Dawn Harper at a Bloodwise event I attended

For more information on Bloodwise formally known as Leukaemia & Lymphoma Research Society Click here ; https://bloodwise.org.uk/

The Truth... To Tell or Not To Tell?

Am I really doing the right thing by lying to my child about the reality of life?


This question often comes into my mind, are we really doing the right thing by protecting our children from the realities of life?  Probably because of what my family has been through due to my Leukaemia battle it's more relevant for us.

We were forced into this dilemma with my daughter when I was very suddenly diagnosed with aggressive Leukaemia.  Suddenly we were faced with one of life's realities, mortality.  I found I couldn't tell her 'everything will be ok and not to worry' because actually that wasn't true and I couldn't hide it. I was to spend months in hospital and was gravely ill.  That safety curtain (which we all know is just a facade) protecting her from experiencing loss, hurt and fear was gone...forever. It wasn't easy and took real courage to ruin my child's rose tinted view of the world.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and to watch her little face as it all sunk in was heartbreaking but I had no choice, I had to prepare her.  And now I can't tell her that my cancer won't come back because there is a good chance that it might. Then if it does where will that leave her trust and belief in me?

I do wonder though if protecting our children from some things is the right thing, is it really preparing them for life? Are we doing them any favours in the long run?  Isn't part of being a parent giving your child life skills and preparing them for what might lie ahead?  I'm not talking about totally destroying their innocence and happiness but, maybe just being more honest.

My daughter has a very inquisitive mind and has asked some very unnerving questions.  'Is there going to be a World War 3?' is her latest one.  Even though I choose my words carefully  I find myself being more honest with her because I don't want her to spend years, like I did, searching for the perfect life that just doesn't exist. I feel that rather than protecting her from the reality I should be telling her that life is full of challenges and heartbreak as well as breathtaking experiences and good times? I feel that as long as I make it clear that there are many amazing things in life as well as times when you question the meaning of it she will believe that when something bad happens she will get through it and perhaps see it as a positive life lesson.

As a child I grew up believing in fairy tales, often writing my own stories, assuming that when you became an adult you had the career you wanted, found love, got married, had a family and boom...life sorted!  And yes of course all the tough times (once I came out of the other side) made me more resilient but could some of these situations have been avoided?

When in my mid 20's, finding the sudden realities of life really tough, I remember thinking 'Why didn't anyone tell me what life was really like?'  At times I wished my parents had been more honest or perhaps more open at least.  Some of the realities of life came as a real shock to me and what hit me mostly was feeling desperately let down by life.

My parents were very good at hiding their struggles and I have since learnt that there were many; the burden of having to make ends meet along with the everyday challenges of life in general.  Obviously as a child you see things from a very childish point of view and part of being a grown up is understanding and appreciating what your parents did.  I don't think it was a conscious decision on their part but just a natural instinct.  When I look back I was totally unaware of any difficulties.

For my child I want to be her sanctuary, where she can seek refuge and have the confidence to talk openly about her fears.  If she has this shelter to retreat to she will always find a way to get through.  I want to her to grow up with as happy a life as possible but with her eyes wide open and well equipped to cope with the challenges she will face.   I always make sure she knows she is loved even when I am cross with her, this is so important to me above everything.

As far as I'm concerned this blog is about my thoughts and is in no way meant as me taking the high ground or claiming to be some sort of parenting guru.  I am just a mother who is doing the best she can and like the rest of us winging it a lot of the time.  Being a parent is one of the toughest things you will ever do so all you can do is your best.

The Creation of 'Multiple Me'

As more time passes I fear I've become a very complex person with many different sides and I don't really know how to make any sense of who I am anymore.  Writing about it seems like a good place to start and will give me something to look back on in the future.   I seem to flit around like a butterfly, once I've settled on some sort of equilibrium along comes a gust of wind causing me to fly off on a tangent!  I can remain unsettled for days and sometimes I am so lost with conflicting thoughts and feelings its hard to do normal day to day things.

It's dawned on me that I've created several different personalities to fit my new life, the main one being my 'I'm back to normal' one.  I haven't done this knowingly but it's become second nature to me.  I like to refer to it as 'Multiple Me', a way of defining my new mixed up personality.

Struggling to see who I am

While hospitalised I developed the 'I'm strong and can cope with all of this personality' which came into play from the moment I was told I had Leukaemia, I never really cried or let myself feel the fear I should have felt.  But thinking about it this side of me was part of me before cancer, I was always good in a crisis. There was also a very detached personality and when I look back at the many frightening and painful things that happened while I was having treatment it was obviously a way of dealing with it all.  These 'strong' and 'detached' personalities lead those around me to call me brave, it wasn't brave, it was just a coping mechanism.  Sometimes I couldn't stand the way people looked at me so this detached side kicked in stopping me from caring.  Maybe it was a natural reaction, the power of the mind to enable me to get through the awful treatment.  Now these two have taken a bit of a back seat until it comes to my 8 weekly remission check.

Because my diagnosis was literally overnight with chemotherapy starting within 24 hours and I was extremely close to losing my life so for me there is a lot to process (you can read more about here; Setting the Scene...the road to where I am now). I read and hear a lot about the 'New Normal' and this is something I can really relate to and I am still trying to pin mine down.   At this point I have no idea who I am, who I am meant to be or how I am meant to act.  

I have this very positive upbeat side where I laugh and joke about many things including my illness, I've always had a naughty side and that hasn't changed.  There is nothing better then laughing out loud and seeing the funny side of things at the most inappropriate times.  I love a comedy that illustrates the funny side of normal life as well as the stupidity and slapstick of TV shows dreamt up by the likes of Keith Lemon.  In fact it was one of Keith Lemon's shows that had me in tears of laughter for the first time since my diagnosis when watching TV at home between chemo cycles! My husband was so happy to see me laugh again, it had literally been weeks since I'd so much as smiled.  

When I am talking about my experience in my role as a Bloodwise Ambassador to a room full of people I have my public speaker face.  I am very driven to raise awareness and happy to talk openly about what happened, I really admire other people who have done the same and find it really rewarding.  When I am speaking at an event I detach myself and tell my story as if it's someone else's, something I never knew I was capable of.

I find myself switching between these personalities several times a day so it's no wonder I am emotionally exhausted most of the time.  I have become very good at hiding behind my smile, at keep my tears at bay, at acting...I deserve an OSCAR so please don't hesitate with the nominations!

It can be very hard at times knowing which one is the real me...I'm not sure anymore, maybe I am all of them and maybe that is ok.  I guess only time will tell.  Am I the vulnerable, anxious shell of a person or the warrior who won't be brought down by anything?  Am I the person grateful to be alive, totally in love with life and living it a breakneck speed or am I the angry, shell of a person, confused, struggling with fatigue and fighting to get back in control?  I HAVE NO IDEA...

When I look back at this blog it will be interesting to see how or if anything changes.

Actually I have been 'Hit by a Bus' #Leukaemia

As many cancer fighters, survivors and people fighting other life threatening illnesses will know some comments, phrases or misguided efforts at making you feel better actually have the opposite effect.  Some now aren't really applicable anymore, this is yet another 'after effect' of cancer...finding phrases and sayings either really resonate, make you want to scream or laugh at the irony.

One of these comments is the popular 'any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow' ... While I really appreciate that this is meant in the most supportive and compassionate way it actually doesn't help and often leaves me feeling more alone. Before I wrote this I did speak to my fellow cancer friends about it to get a feel for whether or not I was being oversensitive.  You see its actually not applicable to us now as we have been hit by that proverbial bus!  There are other comments that are also unhelpful but I will write about them in a different post.

Someone used this phrase the other day and as I watched her walk away all I can think was...'don't you see I have been hit by that bus...don't you get it...it's alright for you because you are walking around thinking it will never happen to you...like I used to too.  You have no idea that what you just said makes me want to scream 'It's not applicable to me anymore...can't you see I have been hit!'

Whenever you cross a road do you not look and make your own decision on whether or not it is safe to cross?  Did I make the choice to develop cancer?  When you are going about your daily lives you a certain amount of control over your own safety...when crossing a road, standing at a bus stop or driving your car.  You can take extra care, look twice or avoid trouble spots.  I was in London the other day with friends and when it came to crossing a road funnily enough a bus came speeding along so we stepped back and I actually put my hand on my friends arm to make sure she was out of harms way...it's a natural instinct.

But when it comes to the 'cancer bus' no amount of being careful or a friends hand on my arm would have changed a thing.  I had no control over what my own body did to me, how it turned against me, my own bone marrow.  BONE MARROW FAILURE, yes 90% of it was not functioning and without healthy blood cells your body fails, yours organs fail...life fails.  Not only that but these dangerous cancer cells were dispersed around my body via my bloodstream, normally a vital but, potentially spreading the cancer all over my body, using each and every vein to infect you.

Also this 'bus' is likely to come and hit me again...how many times have you heard of someone being hit by a bus twice?  I live in fear of being hit again and am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for its impact.

When offering words of comfort to someone whose been diagnosed by cancer perhaps think carefully before saying 'Of course any of us could be hit by a bus at any time.'  Don't try to generalise it, to make it sound like it doesn't matter, it was inevitable anyway and that being so makes it ok that you've been hit by a life threatening, life changing disease.

So where did this phrase come from anyway?? Here's what I found out;

A generic rather than literal example of misfortune, verbal shorthand to indicate that none of us know our future, that a catastrophe is merely an involuntary act of fate.  Casually used to refer to an unexpected death, illness, debilitating injury yet without making it seem grim.

According to Wikipedia it was first used in the novel 'The Secret Agent' by Joseph Conrad; "But just try to understand that it was a pure accident; as much as if he had been run over by a bus while crossing the street."

This term is also used a lot in business management meaning that there must always be a contingency plan in case someone in the team is taken ill, leaves, etc unexpectedly.  And the definition from the newly popular Urban Dictionary is 'Used instead of the word Stupid' For example; 'OMG this mobile is so getting hit by a bus.' when said mobile isn't working properly.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this...love Butterfly